This is My Life by me | (One Million Provoking Thoughts by Anonymous)

Before moving your eyes to any other line of this diary, remember this is my personal diary. Don't fall in trouble by ignoring any information Mentioned here. Writing this in your devotion with love if you can hear me Dear Cianzero - Your Anonymous

It was at the time of June (27th). When the lockdown was about to open, something strange was going on with real me. I was dissolved somewhere between me and real me. I was having a hard time in terms of my mental health and stress.

I was spending my whole day in regretting on small things cuz I'm emotionally weak. But the thing that was creating this problem a big pandemic was I fall in love with one girl. She becomes the answer to every problem of mine.

One fine day while I was lost amidst the fear of loving someone and loosing him/her, one of my curious friends asked, " Pyar aur Maybe ek sath toh nahi aate na? Ya toh haan ya naa."

Knowing and acknowledging the million thoughts and feelings running in my veins after listening to this, I deliberately replied with, "Kuch Sawalo ke Jawab nahi hote."

I sighed in relief for a second and read her reply as, "Hote hain, Sbke hote hain. Bs Dene wale pe depend krta hai."

I knew I can't win in this, for I was trying to hide my feelings, insecurities, love, fear, and so much more from her and even, from myself. 

Maybe "Aesa nahi hota hai. Mere paas iska jawab nahi hai." is what one says when he feels the same as I did!

We are almost always surrounded by a lot of people who are nothing but moving Statue. - Your Anonymous

I was having no one to listen to me and once she listens to me, I fall in love with her. But as I'm Emotionally Weak, it's hard for me to let my emotions flow because there is always a fight going on inside the heart and mind of an introvert. One Introvert who is so weak that he tried to leave this world this Society many times. 

Introvert are always extrovert in their own world - Your Anonymous

I found my world existing in her. Her voice is like the bloom of the beautiful morning air and her face is like the smiling lotus. But my heart says that I want her instead of loving her and mind says that I don't love her but just fall in love with her face and voice. Is it enough to come to any kind of conclusion of the illusion that is continuously moving on inside our hearts and mind? I can see the effect of this problem on every aspect of my life. I become blind and everything was going on unexpectedly. I was just reacting to things.

We have ours but not as priority and it's the worst thing. - Your Anonymous

Also, I have more than 5 thousand connections if I count all of the social media. I mean I have a good number of people but something is still missing. They don't want to listen to me. Having 5000 friends doesn't mean that you are really good and worth allocating the time of your besties. I find this horrible to survive in a society that is a crowd of silent individuals. But I fall in love with her because she cared for me and listen to every single word of me. She won't know what she did for me but I learn to dance under her divine presence. 

People says that Falling in one sided love can make you weak but it made me stronger. - Your Anonymous

I have a lot of people in my life but what I have noticed under her divinity was - Everyone abused me till this date. But she was the first who make me realize what was wrong with me. I am too much Emotional that I'm never gonna share my illness and Emotions to all. It can break me too much that I can take my bag off to attend the flight of eternity.

Another reason behind not sharing my emotions with her is - I don't know what I feel for her. When I see her photo the first time, I found myself attached to that. My heart says that this is the sign of a strong bonding but mind says that maybe I fall in love with her due to the camera frame she used in her photo which I saw first. Maybe it's because of her dress or again smile. 

I know my first impression on you was enigmatic and that's another thing which leads me to deep grief. Apart from this, if you ever read this blog which I published in the middle of my working documents, I request you to please not judge me or choose me based on these all writings. I'm feeling guilty for sharing this all publically but my mind said to me, unfortunately. The heart is so much compassionate that he is also supporting the mind without expecting any good or bad output of this algorithm.

Life was going on in front of me like the sand in hand or movie in the theatre. Every night what I was doing is just crying and crying but never shared this with anyone.

I'm out of Focus lately. Trying to ignite some kind of emotions, I'm standing on the edge of my life. Nobody wants to listen to me. Maybe I also don't want to share anything with this cruel society. But last days I found my motivation sources to raise my voice. This is my life by me.

Introduction of the Anonymous Author

Source: His personal web

​He was unaware of his dreams. People used to make fun of him and he used to listen to everyone quietly. At one time when it came to be difficult to ignore the people's talk and he started doing many unnecessary tasks to prove himself to those people. He never wanted to do it. During this, he was interested in writing and he used to write in his diary in the long night and kept writing. When anyone in the family sees him writing, he would call him mad. But he was not crazy, he used to give his pain through his poems and Today he is a writer among us. Fighting with his Kalam, surrounded by Enlivening Emotions, he is about to take One flight after some days.

I'll update it tomorrow again. Now, my diaries are available for all. Save the link dear all. Change the WAS into IS. This story is my present.

Part #2 is Live now at  Here